Game Over

Video game adaptations have the potential to be supremely awesome. Usually, when an exceptional game premieres and a film feels warranted (it never actually is, but this is the money-grubbing profession of the world after all), it’s thrown together faster than a foot-long sub at Quiznos. The story stays essentially the same but muppets end up writing the script (I’ve decided for every bad movie that’s made, I’m going to blame the screenwriters of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”).

Literally, there has never been a good movie based on a video game. The closest we’ve ever come is “Tomb Raider” and that’s only because Angelina Jolie is Lara Croft. It was about her character, not the plot. And Jolie is very rarely less than captivating in anything, especially when, in the case of “Raider,” her cleavage have major supporting roles. “Tomb Raider” was silly fun which perfectly captured who the female Indiana Jones is and her physique-heavy personality. It’s a guilty pleasure to say the least.

I guess the standard was set back in 1993 when “Super Mario Bros.” hit theaters. I can’t imagine it was at the mutliplex for very long. Regardless of the obvious fact there could never be a cool movie made about the plumber and his pals, the early 90s production made its first huge mistake by replacing the cartoon with live action actors. At least retain the spirit of the game. Mario does not look like an irritated Emeril Lagasse. Things haven’t improved in the slightest since then.

“Silent Hill” had a great atmosphere, but the story didn’t go anywhere. Come to think of it, neither did the game itself. “Mortal Combat” was all combat and no story. “Resident Evil” had its moments but nothing that happened in the game correlated with the events of the film. I’m even going to touch “Doom,” “Hitman” and “Bloodrayne.”

I don’t get it. What is so hard about adapting a video game into a movie? I’ve taken a few moments of silence to gather my thoughts and have slowly begun to realize it’s the studios (as usual) who don’t get it. After a while it becomes obvious what the problem is: good games aren’t getting film counterparts! The material hitting cinemas are rentals at best. Then, when the light bulb finally goes off, the classics are shelved because of budgetary and script problems. This happened with “Halo,” (to be produced by Peter “The Lord of the Rings” Jackson; and that wouldn’t kick ass because…) “Bioshock” (to be directed by Gore “Pirates of the Caribbean” Verbinski; and that wouldn’t kick ass because…) and now just recently “Gears of War” which would kick major mass no matter who directed it.

No one wants to gamble on a high budget and no one wants to take the time to manufacture a great story. The three stalled projects all could erase the video game association and simply be a stellar film. They have the “it” factor that begs to be translated for the big screen. I have a few rules for all the suits out there:

1. Never adapt a piece of shit game. Earth to common sense, it won’t be any better as a movie.

2. If you’re gonna do it, do it BIG.

3. Hire a screenwriter who has graduated middle school.

4. Hire a director with knock-your-socks-off cred.

5. Do not, under any circumstances, hire stars. If the actors are unknowns, they have nothing to lose (and you get to pay them less!) and the overall product will be taken much more seriously. May’s “Prince of Persia,” starring Jake Gyllenhaal, broke this rule severely.

6. Get the game’s creators involved because typically, you know, they know what’s best for their baby.

7. File a film production restraining order against Uwe Boll, the mastermind behind some the worst movies, let alone his video game adaptations, ever.

8. Start the future on the right foot by canceling Ridley Scott’s planned “Monopoly” movie. Yes, you heard that right, the 73 year-old Brit behind “Alien” and “Gladiator” is making a board game into a movie.

9. No more than one a year. Video game movies already have the worst reputations in the business; don’t have them overstay an already overstayed welcome.

10. Don’t be afraid to expand past horror and shooter games, 99% of the video game-to-movie creations. I’m sure “The Legend of Zelda” has potential, even if said potential ranges from a rollicking good time to cringe-worthy.

Video games today are cinematic in nature, so why can’t the cinema handle them? Mark my words, the guidelines listed above are a recipe for success.